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The Illustrated Guide to Gay Men's Bums

This all-purpose bum is a delightful addition to any party.

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Sibling Rivalry

'Hi there! I'm Iain Banks, the famous author. I've written all sorts of weird, gothic-y books like The Wasp Factory, The Bridge and all that. They're great - maybe you should check 'em out!'
'Oh, hello the noo... I'm Iain Banks' evil twin, Iain M. Banks. I despise my brother, and decided to do something completely different to distance myself from him - I write sort of weird, science fictiony books. I'm completely different to my stupid brother, Iain Banks.'

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Things Mil Millington and I have argued about

by HP Lovecraft

It's nearly my birthday and I saw Mil leafing through the "Past Times" catalogue. What a compleat arsole. We have copies of "How to be a Smug Twat in Latin" coming out of our ears.

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COW wedged ironically in the dairy aisle in between
the milk
and the cheese

face that cow face it down face that cow

I am used to cow being my dinner says a lady backing away rapidly
cow should not be looking at me
she drops her meat and flees

face it! Face that cow!

Cow in the supermarket!

It should not be here

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Excerpts from Being A Guide to Evil by Sir Winston F Hedrigal
(Dunsholme Associated Evil-Vanquishing Press, 1889)

The Beast - many a good (lobster) friend did I see end his days at the hands of this dreadful creature.

Further excerpts

Mike Jones: Claims Negotiator, by Jonesy

Ipswich actually is the worse place ever. In my previous life as Mike Jones Claims Negotiator, I worked in Ipswich for three years. On my first day of work, I smoked a joint in Christchurch Park, alone. I couldn't function when I went back to 'the office' so I had to try something else the next day. The next day I walked around Tower Ramparts looking in windows, wearing a grey suit and eating a packed lunch from a Tesco carrier bag. I wanted to throw the bag away but there was the issue of the spoon the spoon covered in chocolate from the chocolate mousse my mother had packed and I had eaten. I couldn't put that spoon in the pocket of my grey suit, you see? Claims negotiators don't have stains...

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Come to Cuthbert Crowser's Exciting Egg Environment

What a splendid day for a bit of jolly old fun! It may be dull and dreary outside, but here in Cuthbert Crowser's Exciting Egg Environment there's gaboodles of larks to be had, and I've got some special tickets to hand out to all the lucky boys and girls. Unlucky get nowt and be grateful for it, I don't want you defiling my glorious palace with your foul, malformed parts.

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The Master's guide to evil beards

Hello! I'm the final Master. I have no evil beard at all, which is the rubbishest kind of evil beard.

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The Illustrated Guide To Gay Mens Cocks

A firm but tender cock, with a pleasing aroma and a fruity aftertaste.

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The goaste joke list, part 1

Q. Where does astronaut keep egg?
A. egg cuoboaird

Q: Who started the great fire of London?
A: Ultra Jesus

Q: God walked into bar, and then destroyed it with lightning!
A: Snow joke
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Letters Page, June 2005

Why do bad things happen to bad people?

B. Vox, Ireland

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Letters Page, April 2005

Does anyone remember this?

Fuck me but did that thing used to freak me out


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Ask Isambard Kingdom Brunel a bastard question

What ho. Bastard engineering work has dried up lately and I find myself with a lot of bastard time on my bastard hands. So, with the help of my bastard Stovepipe (Hat) of Knowledge, I plan to put my-bastard-self to good use once more. Ask me a bastard question, I'll tip my Stovepipe and Bob's your bastard uncle, a nugget of genuine wisdom and truth will fall forth. Who's bastard first?

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