The Wicker Man

The remake

Oh my fucking god It's like a fucking joke Is it a joke? The bit where that bint says "welcome" and Cage's horrible mouth forms into a grin, and the bit where it zooms in on on the evil woman's face, both made me laugh out loud. Also, what? What? Do they worship the devil, or something? Why is it all evil? Why is there a girl with a beard of bees? What's all this supernatural bullshit? The whole point of The Wicker Man is that despite their weirdness, the islanders are actually profoundly nice people (kind of like the end of Rosemary's Baby), who see the sacrifice as an act of love and a gift, not as a laughlaugh evil thing to do at all. This is the end of civilisation as we know it. Juxtapose this trailer with the original film; if ever you needed evidence that the last 30 years have heralded the onset of the Stupid Age, this is it I actually feel ill and angry I'm going to kill myself Does it hurt to slit your wrists? slitting... I'm still slitting... And while we wait, what is with that fucking "WOOMPH" noise that's in EVERY FUCKING TRAILER these days, as well? FROM THE DIRECTOR OF BATMAN BEGINS WOOMPH COMES THE FILM OF WOOMPH THE WOOMPH SUMMER It is the Age of Stupidity and Shouting and Woomphing That's how they're going to get us to support everything. With WOOMPHing. They'll start putting it on the news. "Today, George Bush announced the instigation of Operation Freedom, WOOMPH, designed to finally rid the world of the evil of terrorism, WOOMPH, all of the U.S's 12,000 current terror suspects, currently residing in high-security prisons, and including 200 British citizens, are to be executed by electric chair at 12 noon today, WOOMPH, coinciding with the deploying of several nuclear warheads into trouble spots in the Middle East, WOOMPH" And everyone will just be sitting there clapping and barking.

"In addition, Cage's character is not a virgin like the protagonist from the original film, as it was thought that the idea of a grown-up virgin was too farfetched. Instead, Cage's character has an allergy to bees and has to deal with attacks by killer bees." Ha ha haaaa! Hey, maybe everything's not so bad after all!

Alien: The Remake Cast: Nic Cage as Dallas Kirsten Dunst as Ripley Brent Spiner as Ash Chris Rock as Parker Ewan MacGregor as Kane Heather Graham as Lambert Steve Buscemi as Brett and Claire Danes as the voice of Mother The trailer DEEP SPACE (we see the stars) A SHIP CALLING FOR HELP (and a mysterious ship, floating in space) AN UNSUSPECTING CREW (show Dallas looking pensive, and then smiling) A TRAITOR WITHIN (show Ash smiling, an axe in his hand) AND A MONSTER OF UNIMAGINABLE FURY (show the Alien peering through a window, Lambert's head in its mouth) Parker: I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's not already dead! cut to: Ripley running down a corridor, screaming, into the arms of Dallas, who holds her, and soothingly strokes her hair Ripley (sobbing): I love you, Dallas ONLY ONE MAN CAN SAVE THEM (show Dallas walking down the corridor, holding a gun in each hand) (as text on a black background) THIS FALL whooooosh IN SPACE whooooooooosh ALL YOU WILL HEAR whooooooosh IS SCREAMING Cut to close up of RIPLEY screaming ALIEN name is plastered on to the screen END